Like I shared in the last post, I started realizing I was enslaved to the Worst Boss Ever shortly after my younger daughter was born.
This was fall of 2016. I had a son who was two and a half, and a daughter who was around six months old. And I was working harder (sort of) than I had ever worked in my life.
Every day, I felt like I was constantly sacrificing, never getting to rest, never getting time on my own. And yet, at the end of each day, I would look around at a messy house and two messy kids and feel like: I had accomplished absolutely nothing. I couldn’t even really remember what I had done all day. How was it possible to feel so tired, and yet have produced nothing to show for my work?
Many times I would check out. I’d say, “I deserve a break,” and so I’d start watching a show on Netflix, and do the bare minimum with the kids–change their diapers, feed them junk, get them juice, that’s all. I thought I was practicing self-care. I thought that taking time to watch my show was something I needed to do in order to survive.
And then, whenever I came out of the binge-watching, I would feel bad that I hadn’t given the kids enough attention. I would then try to do a “good mom” thing with them–like take them hiking or plan a crafty activity or cook a healthy meal. Something, anything, at least one thing, to make me feel like I was at least trying to give them a good life.
But then, it was tiring to do “good mom” things, and so when I couldn’t do it anymore, I would check out again.
Back and forth it went: Try, check out. Try, check out.
The Self (the Worst Boss Ever) wants two kinds of things: comfort and achievement (and maybe excitement is a third category). In serving my Self, I was taking turns trying to give it those two things. I rested to give my Self comfort. I worked to give my Self achievement. But those two things are inherently contradictory! If my Self is getting comfort, it’s not getting achievement. If it’s getting achievement, it’s not getting comfort. This is why the Self is the Worst Boss Ever–because it won’t ever be satisfied!!!
In the midst of slavery, God showed me a prayer that changed my life:
Almighty God our heavenly Father,
You declare your glory
And show forth your handiwork
In the heavens and on the earth:
Deliver us, in our various occupations,
From the service of self alone,
So that we can do the work you give us to do
In truth and beauty and for the common good,
For the sake of Him who came among us as one who serves,
Your son, Jesus Christ our Lord,
Who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit,
One God, forever and ever, Amen.
This is one of the Collects from the Anglican Book of Common Prayer. This prayer has defined my mindset towards motherhood, towards work, towards any kind of activity that I’m given to do.
“Deliver me, in my various occupations, from the service of self alone.”
I was enslaved to my Self. When I tried to do good things for my kids, I was trying to earn “good mom” achievements for my Self. When I rested, I was trying to grasp at comfort and entertainment for my Self. No matter what I tried, whether I worked or rested, I was caught up in serving my Self.
It’s not always bad to serve my Self. I don’t believe Lent is about an extreme version of Self-denial. And that’s why I love that this prayer has the word “alone:” Deliver me from the service of self alone. It’s not bad to serve my Self. But it’s bad when the only thing I can serve is my Self. It’s bad when I can’t say no to my Self’s demands for comfort. It’s bad when, if I do say no, my Self punishes me by making me feel resentful and bitter towards the kids, towards the work I do, towards my life in general. It’s bad when I can’t say no to my Self’s demands for achievement–or when, if I do say no, my Self punishes me by telling me I’m a worthless failure.
In those moments, the only thing I can say is, “Deliver me. Deliver me. Save me from this prison where I constantly serve my Self and constantly fail to satisfy my Self and constantly feel miserable.”
The Lowest Place 